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My wife told me today that she is depressed. She says that she has felt down for 2 years now. I wasn't clued in. She doesn't exaggerate, tell stories or try to be someone she is not. She's basically a shy person. We are supposed to move back to Indiana where we came from about 10 years ago... No jobs, no insurance.. I've always considered her a somewhat strong person. Maybe I leaned on her more than I should have..
Answer:
Help her get help. Her admission to you is a step in the right direction, as she seems to be reaching out for help. She first has to want to feel better, only then can she begin the process. Do not criticize, do not judge, do not dismiss, do not diminish what she is feeling. You can have no clue as the the depth or severity of her illness. Encourage her to seek professional assistance -- psychiatric/psychologist best. Family doctors can be woefully unaware and understand little about the various dimensions. If you are in an HMO, most require a referral from primary care physician to mental health program. Do not hesitate. Help her understand that seeking that help is critical. Let her lean on you for a while until she gets the professional help. People with depression often can't verbalize what they're feeling. It's one of the things you have to learn how to do in therapy. All of that comes with the territory. My dad managed to hold down a job for almost 14 years without any kind of treatment for depression. Granted, it made life hell for the rest of the family because we didn't know what he had, or why I was such an unhappy child, but the point I'm making is that depressed people aren't weak people. Weak is when you give up and commit suicide--or, less drastically, when you allow yourself to give in to the feelings that 'I'm always going to be this way' and no longer strive to overcome it. Strong is when you keep going anyhow. It's good she's telling you about it, because you do need to be there for her--that's part of the marriage vows, after all--but it's a good step for her letting you know. For your part...what to do...my advice is to get counseling if you can afford it. Just one person with depression requires adjustments for an entire family. It's not fair, but the disease isn't either. Something that she might try right away, if money is an issue (you'd mentioned no insurance or jobs) is St. John's Wart. It's cheap, available over-the-counter, and does help some people. But see a naturopathic physician first so she can at least get some advice on a proper dosage. NP's are cheap too--after all, to most of the 'mainstream' medical community, they're still considered quacks. Oh yeah...one last note: people with depression can get to be real stinkers. I've got first-hand experience with it (IE: Been there, done that, got the tee shirt). There's a very fine line between being supportive and trying to understand what they're going through, and actually becoming co- dependent and allowing the illness to rule your lives. What and where that fine line is for you is up to you and your wife, but you cannot let yourself get dragged down too. I guess it's called tough love or something along those lines. Everyone's story is different, too, so don't take what I've said as gospel truth.
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